I have learned my lessons, healed my own heart, picked up my pieces, accepted my flaws and faults, terrorize myself daily for things I've done and said, feel others pain as if it were my own, speak the truth even if it hurts. I see things, hear things, and feel things. I try not to lie if its not called for, but hey, we've all lied in our lives at some point right? Except mine wasn't done to hurt others, only myself. I've been the victim, the warrior, the survivor, the bully, the "addict" and even my own abuser. And now that I think about it, ive never truly deeply hated anyone but myself.
I've skipped school, been raped, been beat up, been bullied, been abandoned, left behind, taken in, jealous, hateful, mean, kind, caring, loving, closed off, cold, a drug user, a shitty best friend, a mean friend, a shitty girlfriend/sister/daughter/cousin/niece/aunt/mother....person in general. But little do people realize, I never meant to hurt anyone...only myself. Why? Because how else does someone learn and learn how to appreciate everything when you have nothing?
Money means nothing to me. Material items mean nothing. Status means nothing. Competition means nothing. Fancy clothes, cars, houses mean nothing. That's all just fantasy things...well except money but ive never really known what its like to have any myself.
However, the things that do matter? I have lost over the course of my life. Most I think is my fault. I lost my brother, my grandparents, my 2nd mom, my father (still living but wants nothing to do with me), my family, my dog, my self respect, my peace of mind, my job, my ability to trust/love, friendships and most of all, myself. I can't even develop a healthy relationship anymore because of everything ive ever been through. I've been labeled the drug addict, the thief, worthless, a horrible parent, crazy, psychotic, stupid, lame, unworthy, untrusting....well you get the idea, right? I AM NONE OF THOSE THINGS. I am human. I have feelings. I feel deeply compared to others...which is a blessing and a curse. Im wired differently. Pain, trauma and abandonedment changes people. Some for the worst, some for the better and well, some none at all. I AM NOT THE THINGS IVE DONE. I AM ME, MYSELF AND I.
so what im trying to say is, I am grateful for being able to have gone through everything I have been through because without it, I wouldn't be able to love the way I do; forgive the way I can; and see people for who they truly are beyond the bad they may have done. Dont get me wrong, I hate it but I love it at the same time. I wouldn't have my two amazing kids if I wouldn't have met the wrong guy. I wouldn't have the heart I have if I never would have experienced how differently my brother, Justin, was. I wouldn't be able to make friends with the "outcast kids" if it wasnt for my drug usage. By the way, not all addicts are addicts because they want to be. Most stim from childhood trauma and not having anyone believe their stories so drugs were the only thing that never talked back, but listened...took that pain away even if it was only temporary.
Can you imagine what its like to go from being loved to being hated in a blink of an eye without an answer as to why? Or left wondering why your dad (or mom for some) didn't love you the way you seen your friends/cousins parents loved them? Or why when you decide to gain control over your life again after relationship abuse and abusing drugs that the very people who said they'd never leave your side still left (yes, including family)?
So many unanswered questions that'll never have answers, yet I still wake up every day thankful for what I do have...my kids, my mom, my awesome (step) dad, my brother, my best friend, my friends that I've done wrong to but still never left me to dry, my makeshift family....a home for my kids and I. Food in our bellies. Heat. And the strength to keep going even if it means breaking down into tears daily when the kids are asleep and the house is dark. The love of my life ripped away from me for whatever reason. The drugs bringing out my mental illness issues but opening my eyes to a whole new way of seeing things...my kids saving my life...not once, but twice. The spirits of my brother, grandparents, mom and my dog with me every day. My ability to still have my baby brother in my life even with our dad trying to fill his head with bullshit lies.
All I ever wanted in this life was to make a difference in someone else's. And you know what? I have. To myself, my kids, my friends and many strangers if I notice them having a bad day. I may be one of the world's most hated individuals right now and thats okay, because no matter what people say about me, I have touched the hearts of many. And will continue to do so, even through my pain.
I am extremely grateful for the chance at life. For accomplishing the one thing ive always wanted to be whether I suck at it or not....a Mother. Both my moms have done a wonderful job with me even though I was and still am a royal pain in the ass. My step-dad took me in as if I was one of his and I couldn't be more blessed to have had him in my life. And for everyone else that never gave up on me even if there is no communication have taught me to be the person ive always wanted to be...myself. my kids are my angels.
Being in my head isn't fun. Its hard. Its emotional. Its painful. It's funny. Its interesting and exciting. My life isn't easy by any means but I will never ever walk out on my kids or make them feel like they aren't wanted by me. My mom, step mom and step dad always opened their arms to me ....even when I didn't deserve it.
So I'm grateful for my family, my kids, my friends....but most of all, my life. .I wouldn't be this strong today if it wasnt for my journey.
I'm truly sorry to those I have hurt in the past with my actions and words. I hope one day I am seen as someone who changed for the better...for myself, my kids, my loved ones and my life.
P.S. im going on 8 months sober from meth and 3 months sober off weed. And working on recovering from my addiction to a person. Addictions are real. The struggle is real. The pain and rock bottom are real. It's how you heal. Dont take life for granted because one day may be too late.
❤❤
